Let's write some kids' books
Kids' books. Sure that's where all the money is nowadays. Piles of it. All you have to do is cobble together four or five books about a little wizard prat in a boarding school, or... shit, that's been done already.
OK, four friends and their dog called Timmy, and one of them (not the dog obviously) is a lesbian. Sugar - Enid Blyton's been there already.
Alright, how about...
- Daithi And His Brilliant Adventures. Daithi is a republican dog, and he plays an important role in the 1916 Rising, and even gets elected to the first Dail. So that doesn't have legs? Fine, fine - please yourself. What's next?
- The adventures of a young salmon called, um, Fishy. Fishy is a refugee salmon living here in Ireland, and he has all kinds of problems, bullying at school in the salmon farm, head lice, all the usual stuff. Then at the end he gets caught and sent to Tescos, so it's a bit of a sad ending. Tasty though.
- Or Sproglet Of The Children's Court. The tale of this horrible little sprog called Sproglet who takes his parents to court cos he's a litigious little bastard. Though obviously we won't write "bastard" in the actual book. And he gets his comeuppance.
- Farty Pants. You'll like this one. Fartypants is all the children's favourite teacher. Then one day he farts so much that his pants blow up into a big balloon that takes him up up and away into the clouds and he's never seen again. Then suddenly one day he returns and becomes a ruthless shyster TD in Fianna Fail.
- Dyslexic Diana. Little Diana is dyslexic. Then her mum appeals for a donor, for a miracle operation. A real tear-jerker this.
- Celtic Tiger Cub. This family from Blanchardstown has a tiger cub. But he's awfully posh and won't mix with the other kids at school. So they get an au pair who's good with tiger cubs and looks a bit like Julie Andrews, no, sorry, like Patsey Kensit. Beautifully illustrated (Grades 3 and upwards - and their dads).
- Shane Gets In First. About this kid called Ronnie who's adopted but this other adopted kid - a horrible nasty piece of work called Shane - eats all the food in the house etc, so Ronnie doesn't grow as big. He disappears. In fact he becomes invisible - and then plays all kinds of brilliant pranks while in this malnutritious state.
- The Hay Meadow. Archie is a hay meadow. But he doesn't have any friends whatsoever. Until a mower from Woodies DIY comes to stay. What fun they have, but there are problems looming over the horizon, involving leaching nitrates. I'm going after "green" mums and dads with this one.
- Call Me Fimmy Tucket. Fimmy is this lad who's always getting ragged by the local authorities and social workers etc for his funny name. Parental Guidance.
- I Don't Really Understand What Happened In That Bit. Every so often there are bits in this story that young kids just won't understand. But it'll make their parental readers seem very knowledgeable though.
- Guess Who My Favourite Pronoun Is. A sort of postmodern, structuralist tale involving lots of strange signifiers and subatomic particles. For older children only.
- I'm In Charge. A school boy from senior infants in Ballyshannon is put in charge of the Anglo-Irish Peace Agreement, then much fun ensues.
- Grumpy Giant's Ginormous Bank Balance. Something involving goblins, elves, wizards and a Permanent TSB branch manager. And maybe a boarding school.
- Send In The Clones. OK, this one definitely requires a boarding school. A scary tale of a girl whose life is turned upside down when she's cloned by her mad scientist dad, and she's sent away to a very posh and expensive boarding school in the Midlands. Or is she?
- I Felt I Was In That Story. This is a killer. You persuade your young readers that they're actually in the story that they're reading. Then you reveal on the very last page that it was just a book all the time, and mass produced at that.
- Mummy's Girlfriend Hates Me. Jessica is really pissed off. Her mum's new girlfriend has just been put in charge. So Jessica runs away to West Cork with her pet tadpole and sets up a children's workshop on her own, with a FAS grant.
- Me Ma's A Hoe. Young Lizzie McGovern has a problem. Her mum is a gardening implement.
You've read it already? Bollix. Must be something out there that's not been done yet.
Posted by mick cunningham at April 18, 2005 06:53 PM | Email a friend this entry
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