Severe Jam Damage

At seven o’clock last night Neil Gaiman appeared in Dublin having stepped through the doorway of an elevator.
‘Well.’ He said. ‘Here I am going to read a childrens book… to a roomful of adults.’
And he did.

Now, I could wax lyrical about Neil’s fantastic reading voice, and how he read us the entire text of ‘Wolves in the Walls’ or how he patiently answered questions for a good half an hour after the reading. But this is my blog, so I’m not going to talk about that at all. Instead I’m going to relate to you a tale of horror.

When the signing started we were asked to remain in our seats and we would be called up row by row. So we waited and we chatted and pretty soon it was our turn to stand in line. And despite the fact that it appeared that some people had brought their entire back catalogue for Neil to sign, he did manage to get through the queue pretty quickly. The couple ahead of me handed Neil a birthday card, at which he was delighted, and promptly stuck it up on the counter. And then it was my turn. And then, I felt my stomach go in knots, and I turned utterly and completely fangirl.

I handed my camera to the girl who was making sure we weren’t getting too much personal time with Neil and she encouraged us to ‘scooch up.’ I leaned in, aware that Neil was smiling and asking ‘Who are you then?’ and I think I muttered my name through gritted teeth. He said something like ‘Oh, a photo ok’ and tipped his head towards mine. Then I think he put his hand on my shoulder at which point I lost all ability to make any sort of sense.

All of a sudden my mouth and brain disconnected from each other and not content with that, my brain split in two. No longer was I ‘Eli’ I was now Left Brain, Right Brain, and Mouth.

Left Brain started screaming at me: OH MY GOD! THAT’S HIS HAND ON YOUR SHOULDER! THAT IS NEIL GAIMAN’S HAND ON YOUR SHOULDER! While Right Brain had just curled up and was sucking its thumb somewhere at the base of my neck. Mouth was grinning and saying ‘Yes! No! Eli! HA!’ in random order.
In the background I could hear the girl saying something about ‘Smile’ and ‘Lean in now’ and then it happened.
CLONK! Went our heads.
‘Oh’ said Neil. ‘Our heads almost clonked together’
‘Oh God,’ said Mouth, ‘Umm, sorry.’
‘YOU’VE JUST CLONKED HEADS WITH NEIL GAIMAN YOU TWIT!’ said Left Brain.
‘HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!’ screamed Right Brain.
‘No it’s ok’ said Neil.
‘Say cheese!’ said the girl.
FLASH! Went the flash.
‘Oh!’ said Neil again. ‘That was bright.’
‘Um, yes, sorry’ said Mouth again.
‘YOU’VE JUST BLINDED NEIL GAIMAN YOU TWIT!’ said Left Brain.
‘HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!’ screamed Right Brain.
‘Step AWAY from the nice man’ said Feet.
And I stepped away quickly, sure that Feet were the only ones who were making any sense at this stage.
‘Oh’ said Neil. ‘My eyes are still seeing spots.’
‘Sorry, sorry’ babbled Mouth.
‘No it’s fine’ said Neil scribbling on my copy of the Wolves in the Walls, and handing it back to me. I think I babbled ‘Thank you’ at him a couple of times, and he smiled back, and said ‘You’re very welcome.’ An extremely gracious response despite the fact that I had succeeded in giving him a concussion and blinding him all in the space of about 10 seconds.

But things weren’t all horrifying embarrassment last night. When I arrived home I found that the postman had delivered me a brown paper package. It was an anthology that I had submitted a story to earlier in the year. (author payment: one complimentary copy.)

Oh and Neil, the next time you come to Dublin, the Aspirin is on me.

Posted by Elimare at November 18, 2003 09:58 AM | Email a friend this entry | TrackBack